In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
