Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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