between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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