I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
