Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
