They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
