Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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