You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
