Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
