My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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