he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
