well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
