I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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