does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't make out with my wife yet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
