In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
