I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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