I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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