that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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