Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
