I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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