You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
