Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
