Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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