I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
