My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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