Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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