hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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