She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
