We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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