literally had 100 drinks last night.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
