You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
