Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
