an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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