Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
