I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize