piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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