Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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