Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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