fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
