If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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