Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
