what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
