It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
