My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
