It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I believe in your delicious
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
