I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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