I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
