Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
