Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
