Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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