just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
