Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
