Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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