Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
