he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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