Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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